Real Healing Isn’t Aesthetic

Have you ever felt like you’re just going through the motions of your own life? You’re not feeling the highs, or the lows, but you’re just there? This could mean that you’re going through a growth period even if you don’t feel it.

I have recently learned that healing can look different for everyone. The media has distorted healing to look a certain way. When I used to think of healing, I thought of bed rotting for days, being extremely depressed, and having no motivation. When I recently was faced with relationship challenges, I thought that there was something wrong with me. I noticed that I felt numb, emotional exhaustion had consumed me and even though I didn’t feel active sadness, I felt numb, and occasionally the bucket of thoughts would overflow and come out of my eyes. Other than those few times, anytime I felt an emotion, it was an inconvenience to me because I was too busy. Every time I began to feel sad or reflective, I pushed it away. But it doesn’t just go away, it gets pushed under layers of surface level thoughts and distractions which ultimately prolonged my healing. This was confusing to me because I started to think I was emotionally unavailable, insensitive, and I started to worry that I wasn’t digesting my emotions in a healthy way. That didn’t mean healing wasn’t happening, that just means it’s happening slower and quietly. It got to the point where I couldn’t get out of bed for a week because I was mentally fried. I was upset that I didn’t have the willpower to get things done because I thought I was just being lazy, but now I realize that I needed that break, because now I have opened my laptop for the first time in 2 months, with the intention to write and add to my website.

I haven’t posted in about 2 months on my website, and it hasn’t been comfortable to think about. I didn’t grow away from it intentionally and I couldn’t figure out what was going on. I also started to not act like myself, everything I preach to others I wasn’t even doing myself. I started to get into uncomfortable silence with myself.

I lost stability in my life, which affected my ego. I began to care what others thought about me creating a website and doing what I’m passionate about. It was comfortable for me to stop working on it because I felt embarrassed by it. All I wanted to do was fit in and be normal because I didn’t know who I was at this period of time. Anything anyone said about me I would’ve believed because I didn’t have my own perception of myself, so I relied on everyone’s own perceptions of me. My focus also shifted because my website is a reflection of me, and I had no idea who I was becoming. 

Being authentic is a priority to me, and when I wrote it felt like a chore. I’m glad I gave myself time away, even though I was hard on myself at the moment. I’ve realized the best way I can stay connected to my passion is by continuing with authenticity and embracing my growth, instead of separating it from who I am. I also learned that it’s okay to take a step away from a passion or hobby if you’re going through a growth period. It’s actually necessary, so that you can come back stronger and rested. I’m figuring out what I want in life and who I am now that the foundation of my relationships have shifted, and I don’t want to hide it from my site, I want to talk about it. It’s okay to not know who you want to be or what you want to bring to the world, you’ll never feel fully ready. Being authentic to my readers, even if it’s few, is my approach to my website now. I want to write because I feel inspired, not just because it’s Sunday. 

So if you are feeling emotionally numb, I’m here to tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you. You may just be healing in your own way, and remember that healing doesn’t mean emotional intensity, it could be the exact opposite.